...but then I thought I should keep things real around here.
Ya know, because that's how I roll.
Let me begin by saying that I hope your holidays did not suck. I hope they were magical and special and memorable.
Personally, I find the latter half of the year to be stressful, depressing, and fast-paced. There is never enough time in the day to get everything done that needs to get done. And the commercials and the Christmas music and the traffic and the storefronts are all reminders of the bustling holiday season that I never feel lives up to the hype that the anticipation creates.
This holidays this year were hard on us. My grandmother had been in and out of the hospital, in a nursing home, in hospice care, and is now back in a nursing home but is receiving hospice care there. She is very sick and there's nothing more that can be done for her. We have been visiting her just about every day because, well, what else can you do? I want to spend as much time as I can with her while we have her here. She was always there for me when I was a child, and so I want to return the favor. I leave there with tears in my eyes, always wondering if that's the last time I'll see her alive. It's morbid to think about it like that, but I can't help it. I just want her to know she is loved.
Then, back in November, our dog started acting weird. We had him in and out of the vet's office getting all kinds of tests, and we found out about a week ago that he has tumors all over his insides. We were told to enjoy the holidays with him and then put him down. Needless to say, we are all a wreck over the news. We still haven't fully digested it. At times, we're in denial; other times, we're incredibly sad... it's like we can't even fully process what we were told, especially because we just lost our other dog back in April.
Our vet gave us some medication for him and, right now, we're taking it day by day, but we don't know how long he will last without being in pain. I can't talk about it too much without getting overwhelmed and breaking down. Between my grandmother and our doggie, this holiday season has been a roller coaster of emotions.
We spent Christmas day avoiding the big family gathering -- we just wanted a quiet Christmas this year. And, to be honest, I'm tired of family drama. So we visited my grandmother and my husband's grandmother in their respective nursing homes, and we made a ham and stayed home.
The past two months, my husband and I have just felt "off." I don't know how else to explain it; we just don't feel ourselves. We're not sleeping well (or very much), we don't really go anywhere except to visit my grandmother because we don't want to leave our dog alone, and we are so unhappy in our jobs.
Lately, I've been on edge, irritable, easily annoyed... you name it. I've been lashing out on my husband and son, neither of whom deserve it. My stress is manifesting itself in so many different ways -- both physically and emotionally.
I didn't plan on this being such a depressing post, but this is a snapshot of our lives right now. And, on this last day of 2015, I look back and think of how much has happened over this past year. I can't believe it's December 31st, but I'm glad it is.
Though I know we have so much to be thankful for, I still hope the new year is better.