Wednesday, April 22, 2015

A Thank-You to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

I didn't like being around myself yesterday.  Do you ever have days like that?  Days when you can honestly say you can't stand yourself.  You just don't like the way you act -- and react -- to things.  Just things.  Everyday things.  Simple decisions.  Normal routines.  I've been having those days a lot lately... days I want to end so badly so I can go to bed and wake up and start over with a fresh cup of coffee and a new attitude.  I don't want to wish days away - believe me - but sometimes I just want another chance.

I've learned a lot about myself over the past few months, and with that has come the realization that there are a lot of things about me that I don't like.  That has been so, so difficult.  I mean, who wants to think about all of their faults?  Who wants to actually admit to themselves that there could be a lot of things wrong with them? 
Today I had just had it.  I should have known it was going to be one of those days when, after a night of horrible sleep (or lack of it - thanks to my dog who got sick inevitably from something he had eaten outside), I couldn't shake my morning migraine while trying to get myself back to sleep.  I finally got myself to that empty space where your brain shuts down right before entering that real, deep sleep, and then it happened:
"Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy."  This went on until I opened my eyes and acknowledged him.

"Yes, honey?"

"Do you want to play Ninja Turtles?"

Do I want to play Ninja Turtles?  At 6:49am?  No, no, I do not.  No, but thank you.  I want to go back to sleep and make up for the four hours I lost last night so I can function like a normal person today.  I want to sleep off my migraine.  I want to wake up late, drink a cup of coffee without interruption, and ease into the day on my own time.  (Just for the record, I can't remember the last time that happened, and I have finally realized that it doesn't make me a bad mother to want that once in a while.  It makes me normal.  And while we're being honest, here, listen - I run anxious.  Anxious is my "normal," so craving some alone time is something I do because I know it helps me rejuvenate.  Now back to the Ninja Turtles.)
"Can you give Mommy five minutes?" I ask.
Before I know it, my five-year-old snuggles in next to me and it's the best feeling in the world. 
And then it happened.
"Nooooooow will you play Ninja Turtles with me?"
How could I not say yes to my best friend in the world? 
"Let Mommy take some medicine and I'll play with you." 
Done.  Suck it up, I tell myself.  He's a good kid; he just wants to play. 
Fast forward to about a half an hour before bedtime.  I lost it.  Like totally-can't-control-what-is-coming-out-of-my-mouth-everybody-get-away-from-me-and-hide-any-sharp-objects kind of lost it.  I started yelling at my son, at my husband, at the dog, at the living room full of Legos and swords and, of course, Ninja Turtles. 
As they should, my family got angry at me and left me to my maniacal mood swing alone (after my husband and I shared a few choice words).  It wasn't until after my son was tucked into bed, J. was downstairs in his man cave watching TV, and my dog was asleep on the loveseat that I finally calmed down and realized what a lunatic I had been.  And you know what gave me my much-needed epiphany?  The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. 
I had TiVo'd several episodes from a few days ago and finally had the chance to sit down and watch them.  (By the way, I love saying TiVo.  I feel very "2015.") 
Well, maybe that's not exactly how it happened.  My husband didn't want to be around me after my "episode" (can you blame him?), so that opened up about two hours of time for me to do something, and I was entirely too tired to do anything but plop my butt on the couch and veg.
Let me just say, if you haven't ever had the chance (or the desire, quite frankly) to watch any of the "Housewives" shows, I highly recommend it.  Not only does it improve your self-esteem, but it also makes you feel more normal than ever before.  Watching these women catfight and gossip and flip out and spend money like it's nothing is a fast trip back to reality.  However, this show also makes me realize that I may have a little bit of "housewife" in me.
And she came out today - with a vengeance.
When TiVo asked if I wanted to keep or delete my recently recorded "Housewives" episodes, you better believe that I couldn't hit "delete" fast enough.  Delete.  Delete.  Delete. 
And good riddance.  At least until next week.

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