My Hate/Hate Relationship with Thong Underwear

Dear thong underwear,

I hate you.

Sincerely,
Me

(source)

 

Listen, I know there are a lot of you thong-wearers out there.  I know some of you are so loyal to them that you don't even own a pair of what I like to call "regular underwear" (AKA "granny panties"). 

I just don't understand.  Thongs are truly an enigma to me.

Let's start at the beginning.  Where did thongs even come from?  Who came up with the idea?  I've often wondered why this dreaded piece of clothing was created, so I decided to do some research.  Apparently, they first became popular in New York City towards the end of the Great Depression (source).  Mayor Fiorella LaGuardia wanted the exotic dancers to be a bit more "covered" for the upcoming World's Fair, so he ordered them to wear the little piece of cloth that has since been named the thong.  (Mayor LaGuardia later got an airport named after him.  I could think of several interesting epigraphs for his tombstone.)

During my research, I came across an interesting article called "How to Wear Thong Underwear."  Out of curiosity, I decided to quickly peruse it to see if maybe I was just missing something about thongs.  This article cracked me up!  Allow me to highlight some of my favorite parts:

If at first you don’t love the feeling of your thong, don’t give up right away. It is a typical experience for first-time thong-wearers to dislike the feeling first, but after a few days of wearing thongs, to fall in love with them.

Been there.  Done that.  Definitely did not "fall in love with them."  Do people seriously say they love wearing thongs?  Can someone confirm this?  I just assumed people wore them because of practicality - that is, no VPL, or visible panty lines.  (I am an acronym machine, by the way.)

Change your thong on a daily basis. One of the problems that sometimes occurs with wearing thongs, is that they may spread bacteria faster than regular underwear, which can cause infections.

Um...excuse me?!  Is changing your underwear daily something we need to be told?  And bacteria spreading?  No-thank-you-very-much.  Why would I want to wear underwear that INCREASES my chance of an infection?  Yuck.

Avoid wearing thongs when you’re sick. If you’ve decided thongs are your go-to underwear for daily wear, don’t toss out all your other panties just yet! When you’re sick, typically with diarrhea or food poisoning, you won’t want to be wearing a thong. This can spread germs and fecal matter (definitely not cool), and be a bit more uncomfortable when your nether-regions are feeling sensitive. You may want to avoid thongs on your period as well, as the blood and discharge will spread easier on a thong than in bikini bottoms.

Disgusting.  Enough said.

Prevent spreading germs in a thong by wiping the right way. It’s true, no one likes to talk about their bathroom wiping rituals. But if you’re wearing a thong, you can actually greatly increase your chance of a bacterial infection by wiping the wrong way! Wipe your bum from the front to the back; this will push any bacteria or fecal matter away from your vulva, where it could become infected.

First, I didn't know that we need to be told how to wipe ourselves.  Second, um...gross (again!!!).

So, what am I missing?  Are you a thong wearer?  If so, please share why.  I'm curious.  I just think that the cons outweigh the pros, let alone the fact that they're not at all comfortable, at least for me.  I can't get used to a piece of fabric between my butt cheeks all day.  It's like a constant wedgie.

Because I immensely hate VPL, I will wear one of the two thongs I own if I absolutely have to (like if I'm wearing those spandex-y exercise pants out of the house), but I usually try to wear longer tops to avoid the VPL issue altogether.  I have heard that the "Hanky Panky" brand is a good one to try, so I may splurge on one pair, but that's another issue then - why am I paying so much for such a small piece of fabric that is going to floss my you-know-what?

I just don't get it.